He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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