At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
