M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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