3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
