Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize