they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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