When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
