If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
