I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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