Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
