Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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