I just saw a hot homeless man
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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