Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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