The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
