He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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