Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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