rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
