I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I need to calm my uterus...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
