Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
