i love accidental penises.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Panties = found
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