I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
