I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
How naked do you want me to be?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
