How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
