stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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