Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
