I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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