im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Me. At least after what I've been through.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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