so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
