instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
