My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
