so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
