Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I am available for nakedness
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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