Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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