you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
