Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
