Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm getting married
To pizza
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
