i think i have two assholes
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
