there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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