I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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