Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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