Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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