He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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