I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
