He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
