He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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