I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
