She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
