I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
