Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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