sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Randomize
