I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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