My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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