My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
