I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
