hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
