before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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