Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
