i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
