There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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