I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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