I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
