Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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