Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize