4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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